I suffered from severe childhood trauma, mental health issues from too much time in flight or flight and then the loss of my brother sent me into a state of comfortable numbness. Then one day after a hike in Joshua tree I met a Shaman... I did not begin participating in rituals but cultivated a relationship instead. Then months later I found myself excepting the wisdom of mother ayuahsca. I had no history of drug use prior besides marijuana. I had just finished Ramadan and then fasted for several days without food and very little water (not recommended). As the medicine worked its way over me I spiraled into a pile of snakes, and skeletons and then found myself as a small girl in foster care. I began walking through every moment of my life from dark alleys, to the time I stabbed a man who tried to rape me, awful fights with my mother, eating alone in the bathroom stalls in the several high schools I attended, some moments I remembered and other moments that I had forgotten. This time I witnessed my life to release the trauma, the good, the bad, the ugly.
As I walked through my life like my own version of scrooge, I understood that I was always protected by God. Then I became the Buddha fasting at the tree of life for forty days and forty nights and was able to compare it to my own suffering. It was then that I realized that I had suffered enough and that chapter was over. I opened my eyes and saw my brother purging into a bucket beside me. He would lift up his head and ask for forgiveness. I told him that I loved him and then a second wave of intensity washed over me as I sat in meditative position. The images became really dark and now reflecting back I believe that the darkness that I was holding in my heart belonged to my brother.
The images got so scary that I began singing Orange Moon by Erykah Badu to take me out of that state and back into the presence not wanting to dig into the negative depths of my mind. I would sit there with my chakras wide open saying things like light, love, wisdom in a mantra and then I began to go into a euphoric state that turned into an orgasm with God. Once I released, Jimi Hendrix was in the corner playing the guitar so I got up and began to dance. I danced, and I danced, and I sang, and I danced some more while others were purging into there buckets. This was the moment that I realized that I had made it to the other side of my trauma.
Mother ayuahsca whispered to me to continue my architecture and that everything I am doing is right and in perfect order. I spoke with Steve jobs, Kanye West, my grandfather and gentlemen wearing these tall hats who I later identified as Black Angel. Whom I would later meet backstage at an Erykah Badu show... I took a job at an architecture firm and quickly realized that Yeezy was our client... So it is more then just getting 'high' and as my life unfolds I will learn more about the magic of that night. But how I will never forget the way the stars looked at night and the way the air and the ground beneath me felt when you know you are one with the creator. It will always bring joy to my heart and on days when it is easy to forget the wisdom of that night I can close my eyes and tap into that state of consciousness. I am not the woman I once was before DMT saved my life because now I am a Child of God.
- Ren Van Der Veen